Today on my “Thankful assignment” I posted that I am THANKFUL for the father of my son. I am saddened my story doesn’t have the happy ending, I regret we are not friends, but I am so THANKFUL for my marriage to this man. Without that union I would not have been blessed with the gift of my son, Brodie. Bitter…some days. Sad…of course. Hurt…continually. Regrets…a few. Thankful…always. Love…forever.
After the posting, I felt the need to write more. It is a subject that has torn at my heart for almost 7 years. This blog post isn’t about ripping apart my ex husband. It’s more about trying to understand. To the people who know our circumstances, my comment raised a few eyebrows. “Why and how could I say that about a man who left me?” I was asked more than once. It’s true that Brodie’s dad and I have a complicated relationship. Actually, to be honest, we have no relationship at all. To this day I do not know the reason why. It was a decision that he alone made. In his opinion, we have no reason to talk…ever.
I have always tried to honor his request, but I have never understood it. There were so many times that I wanted his input on issues regarding his son and just stuff in general. There are always two sides to every story and my story is no exception, but I never wanted to travel this road alone.
I always saw myself with the happy ending, the happily ever after, the forever and always, ’til death do us part kind of love. I guess we all have that dream. Does that mean that my marriage was perfect? No, far from it. However, I never expected my marriage to be perfect in the first place. I knew there would be valleys, bumps in the road, and a few curve balls thrown in.
I guess we all have different hopes for our lives and I’m sorry I was such a disappointment to him. I wish I could have been the woman of his dreams, but in this I obviously failed. For whatever reason, another road has been paved for me. Where it will lead I am not certain. However, I know that God has the map, He is in the driver’s seat, and I’m just along for the ride. I have to remind myself on occasion that God doesn’t need a backseat driver. Giving up the reins has been the hardest part of this trip.
Today I am thankful for the father of my son .