I used to be the biggest fan of holidays…all holidays. It just seemed to revive my spirit. I loved the decorating, the preparation, the cooking, the gathering of family and friends, and the celebration itself.
However, after my divorce, holidays have become something I dread, something I loathe, something I wish I could alienate myself from altogether. It’s a time I wish I could pack my bags and disappear. I’m so ready to run when I see the notation on my calendar that a holiday is approaching.
No longer do I welcome the holidays with open arms. I no longer
swing back the door and yell, “Welcome!” to my home. No tree is decorated, the boxes labeled “Christmas misc” have been unopened for years, the festive spirit has disappeared, and the holiday baking is all but forgotten. Sitting around the table and reflecting on what I’m thankful for is an emotional stage I want to ignore. The July 4th firework finale and homemade ice cream in the front yard have lost their appeal.
This attitude I have is something I am not proud of, but it’s a feeling I cannot dismiss. Holidays are a painful reminder of a life I once cherished and still hold close to my heart. Years of memories, both good and bad, poured a foundation, and fashioned a home. Yes, cracks did show in the foundation, walls were built while others were torn down, stains surfaced, but with work, came clean.
However, for a home to stand it must have more than walls and doors. It begins with a good carpenter (God), good materials (2 committed people), and a strong foundation (love). It cannot weather a storm if the carpenter is not called, if dependable materials aren’t used, and if the foundation is missing. No amount of tears, desire, wants, and dreams can fix a broken home.
All that to explain my lousy attitude regarding the holidays. My intention is to work on tossing out this shoddy frame of mind and begin to rebuild. It’s time to start fresh…to let go. Memories should be a recollection of times enjoyed and treasured. I should never allow myself to water down my memories by drowning them in my sorrows for what I feel I have lost. I should honor them for what they are…memories that I wouldn’t trade for anything on earth!