How does one begin to share their thoughts and feelings to those you no longer speak with? How do you reach out and say…I’m here, do you ever think of me? Do you even care that I exist? Did my efforts, me tears, or my love mean anything to you? Ever…?
Did the sleepless nights that I spent worrying about you touch a nerve? When I pushed you to excel so that you could see your full potential, could you see that I believed in you? When I made you clean your room, redo your homework, or write a thank you note, did you see that I was trying to teach you responsibility?
When I asked where you were headed, who you were going with, and what time you planned to be home, did you see that as me being nosy or me caring about your well-being? When I caught you in a lie(s) or expected an explanation for your actions, did you see that I was teaching you to be accountable?
When I said be careful what you say, what you write, and who you hang around with because it could come back to bite you, did you see that I had your best interests in mind? When I said that a good reputation will open doors while a bad reputation will take a lifetime to recover from, did you see that as me trying to control you or could you recognize that I only wanted the best for you?
When your lifestyle and choices went against my personal beliefs and I expressed my disappointment, did you remember I said I loved you despite it all? Do you remember the holiday traditions established so you would have memories to pass along to your children? When you flip through the scrapbooks and photos created especially for you, documenting each milestones of your life, do you feel the token of my love? Do you remember the excitement you felt when you unwrapped the Christmas ornaments collected for you over the years and now hang on your tree?
When you were pushed to do better, aim higher, and use the gifts that you were given, did you see what I could see? I saw potential, I saw talent, I saw untapped abilities just lying dormant. I didn’t want you to squander it all away. I didn’t want you to settle for anything less than what you were capable of. I wanted you to excel and to explore all your capabilities so you would never look back with regret.
If I pushed too hard I’m sorry. If my efforts were too harsh I apologize. But always know my intentions were to offer you a life full of love, stability, encouragement, and balance. I wanted only the best for you, as I do now. I hope as you get older you will understand and recognize the love I have in my heart for you. My best to you…my girls.
Today I am thankful for the seventeen years I spent being a mom to my (ex) husband’s two daughters.