I am in a bottomless pit, swallowed by fog, and drowning in nothing. I am alone in a crowd, lost in a room, and consumed by emptiness. The gray, the dark, and the cold backs me in a corner and will not let me retreat. I squirm to get out of its clutches, but I am no match for the grip that it holds.
I love the beauty of the seasons, but I dread what it brings. I know what’s in the forecast for me on an emotional level and no matter how I prepare for the oncoming “storm” I am never fully prepared.
I remember the first time it was brought to my attention. I was visiting with my therapist and discussing the things that were weighing on my mind. I was frustrated, and feeling down for no apparent reason. I couldn’t pinpoint any particular issues, things in my life were running fairly smooth, I wasn’t dealing with any drama, and the job was going good. Why I asked, was I feeling like I was at the end of my rope?
She took a deep breath and calmly said, “Well, it comes as no surprise. You get this way each year at this time.” I looked at her and questioned, “I do?” She nodded in response as I gave her the tell me more look. She added, “It’s called seasonal depression brought on by blah, blah, blah, and you suffer from it.”
Of course, me being the skeptical patient who thinks she knows more than a licensed therapist, laughed and said, “That’s the silliest thing I have ever heard!” Her conclusion was I was down in the dumps because the sun wasn’t shining. The gray, cloudy days dampened my spirits, squashed my enthusiasm, wrestled me to the ground, and kicked me while I was down. How absurd is that I silently muttered as I left her office.
However, over the years, I have found her diagnosis to be justified and correct. That is why I am always a little hesitant to see the fall and winter seasons approaching. I enjoy seeing the colors of fall and the blanket of snow that winter often brings, but I dread the unwanted baggage that often follows. I want the rays of sunshine, I crave the blue skies, and I need the warmth they both offer to put that spring in my step, the smile on my face, and the joy in my heart.
Today I am thankful for the clear blue sky and a little ray of sunshine.