It’s a fear like I’ve never known before. It grips me tightly and hangs on for dear life. It’s a lethal cocktail of suffocation mixed with knots in my stomach. It’s a run for your life, I can’t get out of the room fast enough kind of feeling. I’m in a speeding car with no brakes, I’m in a cave with no light, and I’m on the freeway with no map. That’s how I feel when people ask me about remarriage, commitment, and getting back in the dating world.
I actually do not think I can do it. The fear is greater than the want. That in itself disturbs me and makes me sad. The thought of living out the rest of my life alone…without a soul mate, a partner, and a best friend to share it with saddens my soul. I think the beauty of this life is meant to be spent with a mate.
Yet, the fear of commitment and my lack of trust is so strong and has such a strong grasp on my heart, that I don’t see anyway out. I don’t know that it would be fair to an individual to even start a relationship when this fear is so strong. I thought with the passing of time this feeling would pass, but instead the fear seems to deepen, the gap seems to broaden, and the mountain seems to grow steeper.
I know that God has a plan. I say that I love the Lord. I claim that I trust my heavenly Father, yet I seem to refuse to hand over the keys to Him that lock the gate to my heart. I can feel the keys in my sweaty palms…the sharpness of their teeth dig into my skin and the tips of my fingers are white because of the tightness of my grip. I try to force open my closed hand, but it’s as if my clasp is frozen shut. Do I truly believe that I am wiser than my God? Of course not. Do I doubt His love for me? Never. Do I trust Him enough to let go of the keys? Only time can answer that question, but for now the keys are still clutched in my hand.
Today I am thankful for the unconditional love of my heavenly Father.